- why don't you move here, andthen you'd have a bigger place? do you like it here? - but--[sighs]i mean, i don't fit in here--just straight up body type. like, in l.a.,my arms register as legs.
Wedding Party Upskirt, they're just like--[laughter] [laughter] they're like,"why is that octopus on sunset?" "is that--"[laughter]
it's not--it's not for me out here. - no?- it's not, no. but i--you know. - what do you do whenyou're here? - i cry.i just sit in my room... [laughter]bawling. no, i-- well, last time i was here,right from the show, i got courtside ticketsto a laker game.
- that's fun.- yeah, 'cause my-- my business agent thoughti was mad at him for sexually harassing me. - well--- but no, i'm 33, so i'm just starting to reallyappreciate that, you know what i mean?- i see, i see. - well, it's true.i can't speak for everyone. i'm not like"sexually harass--" but, in your 20s,i feel like you walk around--
like you'll walk pasta construction site, and be kind of like,"oh, don't look--" but then, in your 30s, you know,i'm just like, "what about this?"[laughter] "like, how about--"[laughter] it's like my skirt's overmy head. i'm like, "aah."[laughter] they're like, "we're eating." but, uh--[laughter]
it changes, it really does. it changes, so--so i got courtside seats, which--you've sat courtsideat a game, right? - i have, yeah.- i thought--i went-- i thought it would befree booze. um...[laughter] it's not, it's not.[laughter] i guess you have to be onthe team to get free booze. so...- [laughs]
- i go, i get randomly seatednext to dianna agron. you know, the actress.she was on "glee." she played the cheerleader,quinn? i mean, that lets you knowhow hot she is. yeah--oh, there we go.there's the picture. thanks for--yes.isn't that great? [laughter]she's like-- the most gorgeous girl ever. her name was "quinn"on that show.
to pull off that name?- yeah. - like if my name were "quinn"on a show, they'd be like, "oh, the jollyirish groundskeeper, that--" "does a jig time and again,"you know. but so she's there.is she not like an angel? so--and the whole night,she's like, she's like this... 'cause she knows people aretaking pictures of her. i obviously don't.
i learned a lot.i learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, is just--[laughter] and i learned--and you can see-- that i have what i'm now callingan "at-risk chin." this is not a good section! [laughter]if i--if i don't, like keep it at sea level,it just doubles itself, just-- i become the dinosaur inthe jeep in "jurassic park," just "fff!"
so i'm like--no idea people aretaking pictures. i'm pounding red wine,and i-- i thought it was free--and i-- i get red wine teeth right outthe gate, you know? like,just first sniff of merlot, just "true blood" mouth. i look like i've been feeding,and i'm eating popcorn, the way i think we alleat popcorn, which is-- you know, at first, don't youalways kind of start out
kind of like lying to yourself? like, "i don't know,i'll have a little." ehm.[laughter] like one piece at a time,you know? and then--and then, like,you get a little more real. right?[laughter] and then eventually,you just--you get "real" real. and just "gah!" like, i've split my lip tryingto get one more kernel--
it's true.in my dumb mouth. it is true. - [laughing hard] - and so that's what happened.if you google me, it'll be-- and i--i look like her,actually. i look like her if she werestung by a million bees. it's true! i look like her if she were,like, becoming the hulk. that's--[laughter]
and she--you know,she wanted to be friends, and i'm like, "i can't.i can't. we don't have--we're not the same thing." like she was telling mehot people problems, you know. she's like,"he won't stop calling." and i'm like,"[whine], i hate that." do you eat popcorn like that,though? are you a popcorn lover?- yeah, i do. and i eat it exactly like that.- right?
- yes.- i mean, that's why-- i'm so annoyed--i'm single again, so i'm going to have to startdating some guy, and we'll go to the moviesand he'll be like, "do you want to get popcorn?"and i have to be like, "oh, i hadn't even thoughtabout it." he's like, "what size?"and i'm like, "[giggles] a small.look at me." right, like a small popcorn?that's like taking one advil.
like, "get outta here." "get--i want a trough. and i want to dunk my headin it." and--and then, you know. i'll be pretending notto think about the popcorn. - hilarious.so when you say you're gonna start dating again,that means that you're-- are you dating at all? - no, i, um--
well, i know everyone hereis like, "how do we date you?" thank you.[laughter] you can't, and not just 'causei'm not totally out of the woods with this uti i have right now,but also-- but also--thank you. [laughter and applause]oh, my god. [laughter and applause] no, but i'm not on anydating websites. i don't--i'm on--i have one,like, app on my phone
that's kind of--it's called "foodspotting." and it's like tinder, butfor food, so, it lets me know-- - is this real?- this is totally real. it lets--they let you know aboutfood in your area. so, like, this week in l.a.,i was eyeing this one particular scone. and uh--[laughter] under a mile away. coincidence?probably not.
so, i'm like, "should i go?"and my friends are like, "go! like, check it out!" so i went to the scone, andi kind of just sidled up to it, and i was like, "oh, my god, youlook just like your picture." so i'm kind of dating.kind of dating. - it's different than that.you should-- [laughs] oh, my god.- it's pretty much the same exact thing.- hilarious.
it's almost exactly the same.- yeah.
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